Catalog index → Morale Products Division → MP-004
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Participation
Patch
Item MP-004 is an embroidered commendation awarded for showing up, eventually. Upper management has declined to define showing up, eventually, or commendation. Affixes to any garment, banner, or personnel file with standard iron-on backing and non-standard implications.
Issue size
Still $9.00
Meets or exceeds fictional MIL-SPEC CN-77-B
| Weight | 0.3 oz. The lightest honor we confer. |
|---|---|
| Color | Officially "Meritorious." Unofficially "gold-ish." |
| Material | Rayon thread on twill, backed with 100% lowered expectations. |
| Dimensions | 3 in. diameter. Achievements may vary. |
| Attachment | Iron-on. Sew-on for the ambitious. Staple-on for the honest. |
| Uses | Recognition, decoration, covering the stain from the incident, etc. |
| Compliance | Meets or exceeds fictional MIL-SPEC CN-77-B. |
| Origin | Struck in a mint that also produces arcade tokens and alibis. |
Report 1 of 3 — Troop morale officer, Bldg. 7
Issued forty patches at the ceremony. Attendance was eleven. Morale, by our measurement, is up 400%. Our measurement is counting patches.
Report 2 of 3 — Recipient, last name withheld
Arrived forty minutes late to my own commendation. They gave me two. One for showing up. One for eventually.
Report 3 of 3 — Redacted
████ displays this item prominently and has been promoted ████ times since. Correlation is ████.
Chaotic Neutral Supply Co. makes no claim that this patch constitutes an award, honor, decoration, or achievement in any recognized system. Effectiveness has never been measured and will not be. Morale is issued, not earned. Please do not write to us about this. Iron-on backing bonds permanently; like recognition, it cannot be removed without damaging the underlying fabric. 100% Satisfaction Guaranteed.* *Guarantee valid only in jurisdictions where time flows backward.
Frequently misappropriated with:
Not A Lab Accident Tee
Learning outcome achieved. Eyebrows not.
Fear The Scientist Tee
Same great tee. Different reality.
Mandatory Fun Mug
Holds 11 oz. and one grievance.