Document CN-POL-2 — posted in the receiving dock since 1974
Terms of Disposal & Conveyance
Two policies govern goods leaving this warehouse and goods attempting to come back. One of them is enforced.
Part I — Form CN-RET-0 (unavailable)
Returns Policy
We do not accept returns. We accept defects. These are different words and we have chosen one of them deliberately.
If an item arrives structurally unable to perform its stated function — a shirt with one sleeve, a compass with no needle, a mug with a hole where a mug should not have a hole — write to us and we will make it right. That is a real promise from a real warehouse staffed by at least one real person.
If the item works exactly as described and you have simply reconsidered, that is a personal development and we wish you well through it.
Qualifying defects
- Garment arrived with a hole not shown in the catalog photograph.
- Print is illegible, mirrored, or reads as a different item entirely.
- Seams separated on first wear, first wash, or first sigh.
- Hardware — snaps, zippers, clasps — does not operate as hardware.
- Item is not the item you ordered, and is also not better.
Non-qualifying developments
- The shirt fits the way shirts fit.
- The color is debatable. The color was always debatable.
- A relative expressed disapproval of the print.
- You have reconsidered your alignment since ordering.
- The item is exactly as described and you had hoped otherwise.
- Item was worn to an event that did not go well. The shirt was not the variable.
Procedure for defective goods
- Photograph the defect. Include something for scale — a coin, a hand, a lesser grievance.
- Write to us with your requisition number, or a plausible reconstruction of it.
- Wait. A person will read it. That person will believe you.
- Receive a replacement, a refund, or a voucher, at our discretion and usually in your favor. Do not ship the defective item back — we do not want it, and postage costs more than the item.
Part II — Conveyance schedule, unrevised
Shipping Policy
We use whatever shipping method is cheapest on the day your crate leaves the dock. That is the entire policy. Everything below is elaboration.
We do not negotiate rates, maintain carrier relationships, or hold opinions about logistics. Each morning the receiving clerk compares three numbers and picks the small one. Your parcel then enters a system we do not control and cannot describe.
Standard
Whatever is cheapest that morning.
5–14 business days
$12.40
Expedited
Whatever is cheapest that morning, in a smaller box.
4–14 business days
$19.80
Priority
Whatever is cheapest that morning, with a sticker.
3–14 business days
$28.00
Warehouse pickup
You will not find the warehouse.
Indefinite
Free
All four service levels are fulfilled by the same method. Selection affects the label only.
Conditions of carriage
- Carrier is selected on the morning of dispatch by price alone. We will not tell you which one, because by then we have forgotten.
- Orders ship in 1–3 business days, or on the next day the dock is unlocked, whichever is later.
- Multi-item orders may arrive in separate parcels, on separate days, from separate states.
- Packaging is reused. Any writing on the outside of your box refers to a previous shipment and should be disregarded.
- Address corrections are made by whoever is nearest the label printer, using judgment.
- Items lost in transit are replaced once. Items lost in transit twice suggest a pattern we are not equipped to investigate.
Closing provision
These policies may be amended at any time, retroactively, by any employee, verbally. In the event of conflict between this document and a statement made by our staff, this document prevails. In the event of conflict between this document and itself, the reading less favorable to you applies. Retain this page for your records. We will not retain ours.