Catalog index → Dubious Necessities Division → DN-019
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Spare Key,
Unknown Lock
Item DN-019 is a brass key of standard cut and unknown purpose. Somewhere, a door is waiting. Our key-cutting division produces one spare per shift for locks we have never seen, on the statistical grounds that preparedness is indistinguishable from manifest destiny.
Issue size
Still $22.00
Meets or exceeds fictional MIL-SPEC CN-77-B
| Weight | 0.6 oz. The weight of possibility, plus brass. |
|---|---|
| Material | Solid brass. Tarnishes beautifully, like an unsolved mystery. |
| Cut | Standard five-pin. Fits 0.0001% of locks, including, possibly, yours. |
| Bow | Stamped "DO NOT DUPLICATE." Duplicated anyway. We are who we are. |
| Provenance | Unknown. The bin is labeled MISC. The bin is locked. The key is inside. |
| Uses | Keychains, curiosity, opening the door you were always meant to open, etc. |
| Compliance | Meets or exceeds fictional MIL-SPEC CN-77-B. |
| Origin | Cut on a machine that has never produced the same key twice, except this one, thousands of times. |
Report 1 of 3 — Superintendent, undisclosed building
Tried it on every door in the complex as a joke. It opened 4B. 4B has been vacant since 1987. I have questions. The key does not.
Report 2 of 3 — Locksmith (retired), Bldg. 7
Examined the bitting under magnification. It is, technically, a key. For what, the key declines to state. Professional respect.
Report 3 of 3 — Redacted
████ carries this item at all times. Every lock ████ encounters is now, technically, a candidate. ████ has never been calmer.
Chaotic Neutral Supply Co. assumes no responsibility for doors opened, doors implied, or doors that were locked for excellent reasons. Do not attempt this key in locks belonging to others, the state, or fate. If the key fits, the door was waiting; if it does not fit, the door is elsewhere and also waiting. This key is not a lockpick, a skeleton key, or a metaphor, though it has served capably as all three. Inventory in this division has occasionally increased without shipments arriving. 100% Satisfaction Guaranteed.* *Guarantee void where prohibited, permitted, or observed.
Frequently misappropriated with:
Certificate of Nothing
Notarized by an unlicensed party.
Prioritizing The Cigar Tee
For people who make poor choices.
Cheaper Than Bail Tee
Built for bad decisions.