Catalog index → Dubious Necessities Division → DN-002
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Certificate
of Nothing
Item DN-002 is a formal document certifying that nothing, in particular, has been achieved, conferred, or witnessed. Notarized by an unlicensed party whose seal is impressive and whose authority is ornamental. Suitable for framing, gifting, or ending arguments.
Issue size
Still $6.00
Meets or exceeds fictional MIL-SPEC CN-77-B
| Dimensions | 8.5 × 11 in. Nothing has never looked so official. |
|---|---|
| Stock | Officially "parchment." Unofficially "paper with ambitions." |
| Material | 65 lb. cover stock, gold-foil seal, 100% unsubstantiated. |
| Notarization | Notarized by an unlicensed party. The stamp is real. The authority is decorative. |
| Edition | Open edition. Nothing is unlimited. |
| Uses | Framing, gifting, HR files, evidence of nothing, etc. |
| Compliance | Meets or exceeds fictional MIL-SPEC CN-77-B. |
| Origin | Issued from an office that exists on alternating Thursdays. |
Report 1 of 3 — Office manager, Bldg. 7
Hung it in the break room. Grievances dropped 30%. Nothing has never worked so well.
Report 2 of 3 — Gift recipient, undisclosed
Received it for my birthday. Framed it. Guests ask about it constantly. I have started inventing achievements to match the frame.
Report 3 of 3 — Redacted
████ presented this item as credentials at ████ and was waved through. We have since ████ the checkpoint.
Chaotic Neutral Supply Co. certifies nothing about this certificate beyond its existence, which is itself under review. This document confers no title, degree, clearance, or bragging rights recognized by any body, though several bodies have admired the foil seal. Do not present as identification unless prepared to be identified as the sort of person who presents this as identification. As seen in absolutely nothing, and proud of it. 100% Satisfaction Guaranteed.* *Guarantee valid only in jurisdictions where time flows backward.
Frequently misappropriated with:
Spare Key, Unknown Lock
Somewhere, a door is waiting.
Prioritizing The Cigar Tee
For people who make poor choices.
Cheaper Than Bail Tee
Built for bad decisions.