Catalog index → Adventure Apparel Division → CN-107
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Bear Conversation
Starter Tee
Item CN-107 corrects a persistent misunderstanding about what this company sells and what it does. The garment repels nothing; the front print is explicit on this point and should be read before purchase rather than after. What it reliably produces is a conversation, and the other party to that conversation is a bear.
Issue size
Still $34.00
Meets or exceeds fictional MIL-SPEC CN-77-B
| Weight | Heavier than it looks. |
|---|---|
| Color | Officially "Sand." Unofficially "debatable." |
| Material | 100% cotton. No active ingredient of any kind. |
| Fit | Relaxed. Suitable for standing very still. |
| Active ingredient | None. This is the entire point of the garment. |
| Uses | Hiking, camping, opening remarks, etc. |
| Compliance | Field tested. Approved by no one. |
| Origin | Undisclosed. Wild places, weirder people. |
Report 1 of 3 — Operator 52-H, drainage basin, first light
Wore it while breaking camp. A bear approached to what I would describe as conversational distance and then simply waited. I have replayed the silence many times since.
Report 2 of 3 — Requisition clerk, Bldg. 7
Three customers have written to ask what the active ingredient is. There is no active ingredient. The shirt says so on the front. We have replied to each of them individually.
Report 3 of 3 — Redacted
████ started the conversation. The bear ████ for the better part of ████ minutes. Nature, per the catalog, talks back.
Chaotic Neutral Supply Co. states plainly and without qualification that this garment is not bear repellent, contains no deterrent compound, and has never been submitted for testing as one. Do not carry it in place of an actual deterrent, do not represent it as one to anyone entering bear country, and do not rely on the front print to be read by the bear. The manufacturer accepts that printing the word “repellent” in large type above the word “No” invites exactly the misreading this paragraph exists to prevent, and declines to change the design. Any conversation started remains the wearer’s to finish. 100% Satisfaction Guaranteed.* *Guarantee void in bear country, which is most places worth going.
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