Catalog index → Adventure Apparel Division → CN-063
Auxiliary documentation — 2 plates on file. Select to display; click the display to enlarge.
Atomic
Elbow Tee
Item CN-063 is a relaxed-fit garment printed with the only bear-encounter protocol this company has ever been willing to put in writing. The recommended maneuver appears on the front so that bystanders understand what is about to happen and can position themselves accordingly. Chaotic Neutral Supply Co. has not tested this protocol and has no plans to begin.
Issue size
Still $34.00
Meets or exceeds fictional MIL-SPEC CN-77-B
| Weight | Heavier than it looks. Considerably lighter than a bear. |
|---|---|
| Color | Officially "Oatmeal." Unofficially "the color of a plan going wrong outdoors." |
| Material | Some kind of cotton, we think. |
| Fit | Relaxed, with full range of motion at the elbow. This was deliberate. |
| Measurements | Approx. 27 in. length (when honest). Back panel: nothing but regrets. |
| Uses | Hiking, treed standoffs, unlicensed wildlife negotiation, etc. |
| Compliance | Meets or exceeds fictional MIL-SPEC CN-77-B. Does not meet the bear. |
| Origin | Undisclosed. The facility declines to be associated with the maneuver. |
Report 1 of 3 — Operator 19-F, treeline, elevation disputed
Spent six hours in a lodgepole pine reviewing my options. The shirt had already committed to one. We disagreed until approximately hour five.
Report 2 of 3 — Requisition clerk, Bldg. 7
Received the garment, read the front print, and filed it under Adventure Apparel. Filed a second copy of the form under Poor Decisions. Both filings stand.
Report 3 of 3 — Redacted
████ descended from the tree voluntarily. The bear ████ and did not pursue. ████ maintains the shirt was the deciding factor.
Chaotic Neutral Supply Co. does not endorse, recommend, or acknowledge the maneuver described on this garment, and specifically disclaims any suggestion that it constitutes wildlife guidance, self-defense instruction, or a survivable plan. Bears are not a party to this agreement and have not been consulted. This garment is not body armor, a deterrent, a distraction, or a negotiating position, though wearers persist in treating it as all four. Wearer accepts that a shirt cannot execute a maneuver on their behalf, and that the printed illustration depicts an outcome, not a probability. In the event of contradiction between this disclaimer and the bear, the bear prevails. 100% Satisfaction Guaranteed.* *Guarantee void at elevation, in season, and within one hundred yards of a den.
Frequently misappropriated with:
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The sign was incomplete.