Catalog index → Adventure Apparel Division → CN-089
Auxiliary documentation — 2 plates on file. Select to display; click the display to enlarge.
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The Candy Tee
Item CN-089 sets out the wearer’s minimum evidentiary standard before entering any unmarked vehicle. The position is not that the offer should be refused, only that it should be substantiated. Some t-shirts talk; this one conducts due diligence.
Issue size
Still $34.00
Meets or exceeds fictional MIL-SPEC CN-77-B
| Weight | Heavier than it looks. |
|---|---|
| Color | Officially "Sand." Unofficially "debatable." |
| Material | 100% cotton. Double stitched for whatever happens next. |
| Fit | Relaxed enough for bad decisions. |
| Measurements | Approx. 29 in. length. Approx. 21 in. hem width. Rugged neckline built to last, unlike most plans. |
| Uses | Road trips, questionable plans, candy acquisition, general mischief, and other important work. |
| Purpose | Slightly improve attitude. |
| Origin | Undisclosed. The van in the illustration is not company property and has never been located. |
Report 1 of 3 — Operator 27-D, roadside, unincorporated county
Was approached. Asked for the candy. There was no candy. The conversation ended there, which is the entire point of the garment.
Report 2 of 3 — Requisition clerk, Bldg. 7
Wore it to a vendor meeting by mistake. Three suppliers produced samples without being asked. Purchasing has requested eleven more.
Report 3 of 3 — Redacted
████ was shown the candy. ████ got in the van anyway. ████ reports the candy was, on inspection, ████.
Chaotic Neutral Supply Co. does not condone entering unmarked vehicles under any circumstances, verified confectionery included, and the standard printed on this garment should be understood as satire rather than a checklist. This garment is not a safety device, a chaperone, or a substitute for judgment, and it makes strangers uncomfortable by design rather than by accident. Wearer acknowledges that producing candy establishes only that candy exists. Guardians of minors are advised that this item is sized for adults who should, at their age, already know better. 100% Satisfaction Guaranteed.* *Guarantee void in vans, near vans, and in the general direction of vans.
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