Catalog index → Adventure Apparel Division → CN-084
Auxiliary documentation — 2 plates on file. Select to display; click the display to enlarge.
Throw Them
At The Bear Tee
Item CN-084 revises a familiar proverb for personnel who have run out of patience and are standing near a bear. The original advice assumed a kitchen; this version assumes a treeline and a full crate. Front print is large, as it should be, so the revision is legible at the distances involved.
Issue size
Still $34.00
Meets or exceeds fictional MIL-SPEC CN-77-B
| Weight | Heavier than it looks. |
|---|---|
| Color | Officially "Oatmeal." Unofficially "debatable." |
| Material | 100% questionable-decisions cotton (we think). |
| Fit | Fits real humans. Mostly. |
| Special feature | May attract bears. |
| Uses | Hiking, camping, fishing, beer drinking, bear dodging, lemon throwing, and other outdoor activities. |
| Care | Survive as long as you do. |
| Side effects | Increased optimism, poor judgment, and citrus debris. |
Report 1 of 3 — Operator 31-B, river drainage, midsummer
Brought lemons for the fish and used them on the bear instead. Cannot recommend the flavor of the resulting afternoon, but the bear left and I did not.
Report 2 of 3 — Requisition clerk, Bldg. 7
Received one shirt and one crate marked Fresh Lemons. Only the shirt was on the purchase order. The crate has been added to inventory rather than explained.
Report 3 of 3 — Redacted
████ threw ████ lemons over a period of ████ minutes. The bear ████. Optimism, per the label, increased.
Chaotic Neutral Supply Co. does not supply lemons, endorse the throwing of lemons, or accept that lemons constitute an appropriate response to wildlife. The proverb reproduced on this garment has been altered without the permission of whoever wrote it. This garment is not a bear deterrent; the manufacturer notes that citrus is documented to attract wildlife rather than repel it, and has printed this warning in the specifications where nobody reads it. Wearer accepts all responsibility for fruit deployed, fruit recovered, and fruit that lands somewhere it cannot be recovered from. 100% Satisfaction Guaranteed.* *Guarantee void in season, out of season, and wherever fruit is prohibited.
Frequently misappropriated with:
Prioritizing The Cigar Tee
For people who make poor choices.
Cheaper Than Bail Tee
Built for bad decisions.
No training required!Atomic Elbow Tee
Bear contingency. Not a good one.