Catalog index → Adventure Apparel Division → CN-077
Auxiliary documentation — 2 plates on file. Select to display; click the display to enlarge.
Establish
Dominance Tee
Item CN-077 addresses a gap in conventional wilderness instruction, which explains what wolves do but not what to do back. The recommended approach is behavioral rather than physical and requires no equipment, no training, and no dignity. Results are reported as consistent, though the reports themselves are difficult to read without alarm.
Issue size
Still $34.00
Meets or exceeds fictional MIL-SPEC CN-77-B
| Weight | Heavier than it looks. The silence afterward weighs more. |
|---|---|
| Color | Officially "Black." Unofficially "the color of eye contact held too long." |
| Material | 100% cotton. Rugged comfort for a more untamed you. |
| Fit | Cut for the trail, the bar, and anywhere normal people aren’t ready for you. |
| Measurements | 29 in. length (ish). 22 in. chest, laid flat. Effect: immeasurable. |
| Uses | Camp, hike, explore, overthink, repeat. |
| Compliance | Field tested on mountains, in forests, and in questionable decisions. |
| Origin | Undisclosed. Approved by no one, which is the highest approval we offer. |
Report 1 of 3 — Operator 08-K, backcountry, unaccompanied
Encountered four wolves at dusk and followed the front print exactly. Three left. The fourth walked with me for nine miles. It has not been explained.
Report 2 of 3 — Requisition clerk, Bldg. 7
Wore it to the loading dock as a control. Established dominance over a forklift operator who had never previously yielded. Methodology unclear, results reproducible.
Report 3 of 3 — Redacted
████ made it weird. The pack ████ and has not returned to ████ since. ████ considers the matter settled.
Chaotic Neutral Supply Co. is not a wildlife authority and the strategy printed on this garment has not been reviewed by anyone qualified to review it. Wolves are wild animals and do not recognize social awkwardness as a defensive posture. This garment is not a deterrent, a costume, a credential, or a substitute for leaving the area. Wearer accepts sole responsibility for any weirdness established, including weirdness that persists after the wolves have gone and begins to affect unrelated relationships. In the event of contradiction between this disclaimer and the pack, the pack prevails. 100% Satisfaction Guaranteed.* *Guarantee void after dark, off-trail, and in the presence of witnesses.
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