Catalog index → Adventure Apparel Division → CN-071
Auxiliary documentation — 2 plates on file. Select to display; click the display to enlarge.
Do Not Feed
The Bears Tee
Item CN-071 documents a close reading of standard park signage and the loophole discovered therein. The front print reproduces the sign, the omission, and the resulting friendship, in that order. Legal has reviewed the interpretation and describes it as technically correct, which is the most they have ever conceded about a t-shirt.
Issue size
Still $34.00
Meets or exceeds fictional MIL-SPEC CN-77-B
| Weight | Heavier than it looks. Lighter than the fine. |
|---|---|
| Color | Officially "Black." Unofficially "the color of a ranger arriving." |
| Material | 100% cotton (probably). |
| Fit | Relaxed enough to question authority. |
| Measurements | Ribbed neck keeps its shape, unlike most of us. Back view: nothing to see here. |
| Uses | Wear it. Offend nobody. Make friends anyway. |
| Compliance | Field tested in theory. Meets or exceeds fictional MIL-SPEC CN-77-B. |
| Origin | Undisclosed. The facility is not located in any national park, as far as it is aware. |
Report 1 of 3 — Seasonal employee, park unnamed
Issued four citations this summer. Three were for feeding. The fourth was for the shirt, and it did not survive review, because the shirt is right.
Report 2 of 3 — Night-shift clerk, Bldg. 7
Read the front print. Read the back. There is no back. The argument is complete without one.
Report 3 of 3 — Redacted
████ reports the bear now waits at ████ each morning. Neither party has fed the other. ████ describes the arrangement as “warm.”
Chaotic Neutral Supply Co. does not interpret posted signage, and any interpretation appearing on this garment is a work of apparel rather than a legal opinion. Do not cite the front print to a park ranger, a game warden, a magistrate, or a bear. The distinction the shirt draws between feeding and befriending has no standing in any jurisdiction where either activity is regulated, which is all of them. Wearer acknowledges that a friendship initiated under these terms remains the wearer's sole responsibility, including the portion of it that follows the wearer home. 100% Satisfaction Guaranteed.* *Guarantee void where posted, and posting is extensive.
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